


in my surrender

by januarys



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 19:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/januarys/pseuds/januarys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ME3.  John, Kaidan, and a message to be found after it's all over. <i>I’m saying this now, because time is running out. I’m saying this now, because we never had enough time in the first place.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	in my surrender

**Author's Note:**

> To be read as a recorded message. Takes places just before the final battle, with Shepard recording this quietly as Kaidan sleeps nearby.
> 
> Sigh. I don't know where this came from. I really don't. I love it though, because these two mean everything to me. Hope you like it.

Hey, Kaidan.

It's… been a long ride, huh? Funny how things turn out, how everything eventually comes full circle.

I never stopped fighting, you know. Not even during those two years when I was, well, dead. At least not in that sense. Okay sure, the galaxy gets heavy at times and I struggle to keep it balanced on my shoulders but I've survived and I won't  _stop_ until—

I'm saying this now, because time is running out. I'm saying this now, because we never had enough time in the first place.

Alright. We've been treating this like another routine mission, like that shakedown run back on Eden Prime. Problem with that is the last routine mission we were on, the ship got blown to bits and I burned through the atmosphere of a frozen planet. Yeah, routine isn't exactly my strong point.

The point is that this battle isn't anything like a routine mission. There's more riding on this than I ever imagined. I still can't believe it. I… kind of don't want to believe it.

But looking at you, Kaidan, I have to believe it. Because this thing…  _us_ , wouldn't have happened if all of this never existed in the first place.

I feel like we've been slowly building up to it, you know? Ever since we met all those years ago, since I carried you on Virmire and just, fuck,  _Ash._

Let me side-track here. I'll admit it; a part of me loved Ash. Still loves her. But maybe it's just the _idea_ of her, not Ashley herself. It sounds bad, you can bitch at me later, but she shaped me to what I am today. Helped me realise that I need to keep moving forward, that I need to keep fighting for  _this_.

Us.

Not just us though. I'm fighting for all the people who are still fighting, who have something waiting for them back home. For the ones who have nothing waiting for them but who want to  _survive_ , to lay down new roots and let time heal their wounds. For the ones that we've lost, for the ones we've gained. For Ash, for James and Steve, for Liara and what remains of Thessia…

You told me before that I was always so focused on the mission. You were right, as always. How are you always so right about this shit? The mission was the only thing that mattered back then. It still does because this war isn't over just yet—

That's not the point though. The mission was the only thing I cared about back then, okay. The point is that yeah, the mission mattered.

But now the only thing that matters is you, Kaidan. It's always going to be you.

Look, by the time you find this, because you  _will_ go nosing through my shit like you always do... I'm not going to be here anymore.

I'm not going to make it out of this alive, Kaidan.

There are still choices I'll have to make, more paths I'll have to cross and I'll fight for everyone, I  _will_. But in the end every bullet that I fire, every path I take… it'll be for you. And if I die protecting  _you_ , protecting the one thing that matters the most to me then _that_ is the best way for me to go.

Hey. I know you're upset right now. Just, hear me out okay?

I died, Kaidan. I died and then I was alive again and I took advantage of that second chance. Sure, things sucked for a while. Horizon is proof of that. And yeah, we're definitely past that. But I died and came back and all that shit happened and I knew, I fucking  _knew_  that the next time it happened I wouldn't come back again.

Shit, it's complicated to explain. Maybe it's a six sense sort of thing with all these cybernetics. Or not, shut up. Fuck, I can just imagine that _look_ on your face as I said that. See what you do to me, Kaidan? Damn you.

Okay. A few hours ago, after that 'quick drink' and well, everything that followed it—

You told me that you love me.

Maybe it was a heat of the moment thing. But... but I know you, Kaidan, I fucking  _know_  you. You wouldn't say something like that lightly. And it was the first time you had ever said that to me and damn, it was perfect. It was everything I wanted to hear. And I wanted to say it back, more than anything. But I didn't. I couldn't. Just.

'I love you' feels like goodbye.

I don't want to say goodbye, Kaidan. Not to anyone. Not to you.

But Earth is just around the corner, and goodbye is going to be the only thing I'll know how to say when my feet are on the remains of the cities I grew up on. I know for a fact that Earth is going to be my swan song,  _my_  final battle. I can feel it in my bones, through these goddamn scars on my face. I know it, I just  _know_  it.

And you know it too.

Shit—  _keep it together John. Fuck._

Hey, I know that you wish that we had more time, that there were more things you wanted to say. I know that you had all these plans for us, Kaidan. I saw the fucking data pad you left in my cabin before we hit that geth dreadnought. I  _saw._

I saw how you wanted to take me to that orchard and watch the sunset, how you wanted to cook dinner for your mother and I, maybe your father too if he made it. All those fucking plans and—and I'm not going to be able to fulfill them with you, I'm  _not_.

It's because of time, how little we have of it. Had of it.

D-damn it.

Kaidan, listen to me. Things are going to get ugly down there. Really fucking ugly. If what the report says is true then it's a thousand times worse. And a part of me doesn't want you down there, you know. That part of me wants to keep you on the Normandy where you belong, to keep you away from all the shit that's going to happen.

But the other part of me wouldn't trust anyone else on their six. No one else. Yeah.

So it's going to be bad, really bad. And Kaidan, listen, just _listen_. If everything down there decides to take a turn for the worse, when it looks like there is no hope left… I'm making sure that  _you get out_ , that you're still breathing when I walk away.

This is my swan song, remember?

Just. Okay. Remember back on Mars? When you nearly died and I just  _wasn't fast enough?_ For a split second, I imagined something. I imagined my life without you. And I couldn't bear it, I couldn't. And I kept saying over and over that you better not die on me, that you better not leave me to fight this war by myself. Then all that shit happened in between, and suddenly you were pouring your heart out at what was meant to be a  _sanity check,_  you bastard, and a part of me knew that if I took that chance, then you would never leave my side. And I jumped at it and—

Now I have to leave you.

I have to, Kaidan. Earth is going to be  _my_ Horizon. I'm going to have to turn my back on you and I can't stand that. But I'm not going to survive this. I'm not going to be able to go to that orchard with you, to do all that shit you had in fucking  _dot points._

But— know this, Kaidan. 

I  _love you_.

And it's killing me to say that but in the time that I've been recording this, shit, I've accepted that I have to say goodbye. I have, really. Saying it all out loud puts it into perspective, funnily enough. Guess I really do like the sound of my own voice. And you're not going to hear this until I'm gone, but—

Yeah, this is my goodbye.

Damn.

Hey. Hey, listen to me. Can you—can you do something for me? Please? First, just breathe. Take a deep breath.  _Breathe_. Okay, good soldier. You've always known when to follow orders, Alenko. I like that about you.

Alright, next thing. It sounds complicated but it really isn't, promise.

Live.

I want you to  _live_ , Kaidan. For me. You can mourn, you're allowed to mourn. You're allowed to feel like your world has ended. It's fine. You're only human. But then I want you to move on, Kaidan. I want you to pick yourself up and I want you to  _live_  again. Find someone else, someone who'll make you happy, like how happy you've made _me_ feel these past few weeks and just—

It'll take a while. Virmire proved that. Horizon _definitely_ confirmed that. But give it time, Kaidan. Give it time, because— because time heals all wounds and yeah, time is something  _we_  never had. But  _you're_  going to have it all when this is over. So use it, okay?

Just. Do that for me, Kaidan.

Okay. I guess that's all I have to say. Well that's not true, but if I spew anymore shit then I'm not going to be able to hold it together. Hah, the  _Great Commander Shepard_ , falling apart. Tabloids would have a field day with that one…

Look. Put your hands on your chest and _feel_ your heartbeat. Let that be enough to keep you going for a long, long time.

And when it's not enough anymore, Kaidan, I'll be waiting.


End file.
